An As-Happy-as-Possible New Year’s Wish
Hello, PLAYce For Us Families!
If you had a rough re-entry after winter break this morning, take a breath.
It can be hard sometimes for sensitive nervous systems to face the world. We will lend one another strength to do the "musts" and lend one another grace to let the rest go.
Speaking of grace, here is a portion of a column by Nadia Bolz-Weber about New Year's Resolutions that really spoke to me:
[This is your] yearly reminder: there is no resolution that, if kept, will make you more worthy of love. There is no resolution, that, if kept, will make life less uncertain and allow you to control your aging parents and your teenage children and the way other people act. May we give ourselves really low expectations, not out of resignation, but out of generosity.
She goes on, and if you have time, highly recommend you read her full column here. (although she swears a lot, and she's religious, so if you're not into that kind of thing, you might choose to skip it). She's writing to a large audience, but if I were to take her column and, applying my own creative license, make it specific to those of us on a developmental parenting journey, it might sound like this:
May we just skip the part where we resolve to be better parents and do better parenting and make more instagramable memories with our kids.
May we expect our children to be exactly as they are, right now, at this moment, in this stage.
And may we be present enough to delight in this. Now. Just as it is. The pain, the struggle, the laughter, the snuggles, the fits and tantrums and meltdowns, the precious few quiet moments after long exhausting bedtimes.
Those of us in the therapy world can get caught in "the trap of striving:"
I'll be so happy when ...
when he learns to read;
when she just says "mama"....
when they're potty-trained....
when he's adjusted to middle school...
when he finally gets a job...
when our name gets to the top of the waitlist....
The thing is, while we are waiting, our kids are being themselves, in the unending cycle of human development. When we stay constantly living in the "when/then" mindset...we are not here, in this very room, loving our kids. And maybe more importantly, holding ourselves in Love.
As for me, starting up this crazy, risky, delightful PLAYce for Us over the past 2 years, has held many of the same temptations of thought:
I'll be happy when
I get my first client...
when I enroll 20 families...
when I earn my first paycheck...
when I hire my first assistant...
when I sign a lease...
when I earn a full salary...
when I negotiate the next contract...
The thing is, withholding happiness doesn't make those milestones come any quicker, and worse, we risk missing them when they do show up, because we're so focused on what's next.
So thank you, Nadia, for reminding us to continue showing up, being present, residing in Love with our children and ourselves, amidst the imperfections, and finding something to delight in-- because we deserve joy, not disappointment. As Nadia says, I wish us all a Happy as possible New Year.
Let's keep on showing up for one another